Recently I have been writing my memoirs and I would like to share the latest chapter which describes my life with Dilys, my wife of 62 years who died earlier this year.
Look, I know this is not exactly a cheerful topic, but I am posting it in the hope that it will be of help to anybody who has experienced bereavement, especially if the death was a close relative like a husband or son or daughter.
So let me begin ...
For my wife Dilys, the last few years of her life were very uncomfortable as there was no relief from the severe arthritis in her knees and legs.
She would sometimes say two things to me ... One was, "I hope I die first because I could not cope alone, whereas I know that you could". She also said, "If the doctor said, "You only have a few weeks to live", I would be pleased."
In February she became more and more frail,until one Friday morning she could not speak to Paul our live-in Carer, or to me.
We called an ambulance. When it arrived I was so thankful to find that the driver was Colin from St Mary Magdalen's Church in Hilperton Marsh, well-known to me (his wife Val is Churchwarden there). He decided to take Dilys to Casualty at the R.U.H.,(Royal United Hospital in Bath).
I was still in my pyjamas, so Paul went with them. I phoned the family, dressed and waited for news.
Dilys' treatment would not bear results for some time and she remained unconscious, so Paul came home and later that afternoon my (elder) daughter Gilliian and her husband Geoff came down from Birmingham and stayed with her. She seemed to be responding to treatment,so they called here on their way to stay with friends in Devizes,(a few miles from here.)
At 1a.m. the hospital phoned Gill to say that Dilys had died.
I shall always remember with deep gratitude the great kindness of Paul when he awoke me to tell me.
It was about 2.30am, the early morning of Saturday, 21st February. The hospital said that, as everything closed down for the weekend, we would not be able to see Dilys until Monday, unless we went immediately, therefore my son-in-law Geoff drove us straight there.
When we arrived the whole hospital was in darkness, but a nurse met us and guided us to the ward where Dilys was. The three of us prayed, then I asked to be left for a few minutes. I was thankful for the quietness to spend some time with her on my own.
We returned home and to bed. The following day (Saturday)Gill stayed on with me whilst Geoff went back to Birmingham as he was taking a service on Sunday. That evening the Rev Annie(a local priest and good friend) came to give a Requiem Communion for Gill and myself, which was peaceful, beautiful and very comforting. Most of the special prayers she used were so lovely and appropriate that we included them in composing Dilys' Thanksgiving Service.
On the Monday Gill discovered that we could not collect Dilys' body because a second doctor had not been found to sign her death certificate at the hospital. On Wednesday the coroner's office phoned, to apologise for the delay, and to explain that they were working hard to track down the locum doctor who had first attended to Dilys on her arrival at hospital. Lizzie my second daughter had already arrived and started work to register the death and was advised this would be best done through Bath. It was not until the end of the week that the certificate was finally signed, which was extremely frustrating and I hope you did not have the same experience. My undertaker friend Patrik from Melksham, was able to collect the body and take Dilys to his own chapel of rest, meanwhile Gill had returned home. Lizzie stayed for a while and then my younger son Chris came to spend a few days with me and help me with the practical arrangements for Dilys' funeral and thanksgiving.
Later on, Sian, one of Dilys' and my carers, and I went to the Chapel of Rest to see Dilys. This room is one of the most beautiful we had ever seen. In the coffin Dilys looked beautiful, dressed in her favorite clothes and holding the Valentine card I had sent her only two weeks previously, recording the fact that she had been my valentine for 64 years.
All this was a great help to me. Instead of thinking about the dark scene in the middle of the night at the hospital, this beautiful, light and colourful scene came to mind instead. I was very much helped by this.
I have often thought about the comment of a lady, the widow of a friend who died of cancer... she said, "Remember - tears and laughter are both gifts of God".
Meanwhile, we had arranged Friday 6 March for a family cremation service followed by a buffet lunch at the Pilot Inn near our house. The main Thanksgiving Service was planned for St Michael's Church, Hilperton the same afternoon at 4pm.
Gillian and I worked hard together, sending out the news about Dilys, and inviting people to the service we were composing, which we planned would be taken by members of our wider family. It took even longer to find out who was willing to take a share in it, and to allocate parts to each. We were very much supported by Stephen the vicar of St Michael's Hilperton. (This was my parish before retirement and Stephen was the third vicar after me. In recent years Dilys and I where frequently welcomed there.)
A copy of the service and of what each person said, including the appreciation by my cousin Rt Rev Anthony Priddis,Bishop of Hereford, has been recorded for the family. So many came to the service - 150 people - that chairs had to be brought in to seat them all. Unfortunately for me the loop system had broken down and I could not hear what was said, but all the talks were sent to me afterwards by email so I could read them.
At the end of the service the family and I went to the site where the ashes where to be buried, near the church porch. John, the Archdeacon of Wiltshire, took the prayers and then the bells rang a beautiful half-muffled peal. Patrik had already laid the lovely tributes of spring flowers around the site, which Paul had taken a great deal of time and care to arrange. My own posy, of red roses, had been placed on top of the casket at the front of the church throughout the service.
As I had already greeted everybody as they arrived, Geoff drove us to the Village Hall for a tea, where we were joined by most of those who had been at the service.
The Thanksgiving Service had been a great success, and everybody, both family and friends, had given Dilys the send-off she deserved. My elder son Michael spent the weekend with me, which was a great help and comfort.
After all this, my main task has been to learn how best to live with just my carers, in rotation, an occasional caller or medical appointment, cotinuing my 'Blog', and keeping in touch with my friends and extended family. I am still doing jobs in the garden and I try to go for a walk most days. I decided that my motto must be, "KEEP BUSY".
Unfortunately Annette, my weekly P.A., had fallen and broken an arm, which was in a sling, but she still managed one-handed to send a letter or email to over 70 people to thank them for sending condolence cards.
Paul is an excellent asset because, not only is he an expert chef and has encouraged me to have friends for meals, but also loves flower-gardening, weeding and lawn cutting - an interest we share. Sian has a car and takes us out for shopping and other things, and she has now learned how to do vegetable work like planting onion sets and broad beans. Both carers look after my needs very efficiently, especially regarding my poor sight and hearing. They both work hard at housework, laundry and ironing.
Social Services provided extra steps and hand-rails in the garden. I continue to receive excellent support from all agencies, staff and family.
I am very pleased to be able to remain in my own home and with the garden I originally constructed out of builder's rubble.
Of course, I still miss Dilys very much, but am thankful that she rests within the love of God and in a place where there is "no more pain".
So, inspite of now being a widower, I can sincerely say,
Who could be more fortunate than I ?